We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
