Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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