i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize