No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
