she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
