dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
