Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
