I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
