I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
