Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
