How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
