i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
