I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
NoShamevember. You game?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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