I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
