I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How does it feel to date your dad?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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