I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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