she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
