I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
