why didn't you poke me back
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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