How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
