Please, let me fuck your mom
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
