I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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