Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
