he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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