I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
