So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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