I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
