Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
