Can i not drive my cunt home
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
