There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize