happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
