i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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