return my video game
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
