I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
