i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
