my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
