my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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