The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
