my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
