I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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