There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
