Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You were trust falling into bushes
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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