had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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