how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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