Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
