i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
