when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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