So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize