you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
