do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
