I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My ATM looks so different sober.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Randomize
