Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
