I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
