im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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