Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
