I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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