I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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