made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize