there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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