She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
