I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
