I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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