Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
