remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
