If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
