I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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