I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
