Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
