Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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