big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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