My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize