dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
